


I Hate You Whole (But I Love You In Pieces)

by Lilith_Child



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Agender Character, Genderfluid Character, M/M, Mute Lucifer, Muteness, Non-binary character, Season/Series 05, Vessels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-09
Updated: 2015-06-09
Packaged: 2018-04-03 16:19:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4107268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilith_Child/pseuds/Lilith_Child
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucifer is mute. A story of how they find Sam.</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucifer was cast into Hell, and there they wanted to scream. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>They couldn’t. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>It drove them insane. They would spiral, again and again and again, from sanity to insanity to sanity. That was all the change that happened there.<i></i></i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Hate You Whole (But I Love You In Pieces)

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing, and all mistakes are mine.
> 
> Lucifer is technically agender here, but they take on the pronouns of whichever vessel they are currently using. Sorry if this is confusing!
> 
> This was originally written in present tense, so if I missed any, please tell me.

Lucifer was an angel. An angel was light, and love, and fury. Now, light, love, and fury did not have mouths or throats with which to speak, but as angels sing, angels can speak. Thus, angels have an equivalent of mouths, an equivalent of throats, and an equivalent of vocal cords. And, of course, vocal cords - in any being - can be injured. Lucifer’s had.

When they fell, a very long time ago, they were still bleeding from where their brother had ripped them out. No, it was not Michael, as you may think. Instead, it was Raphael. The Healer, though they had chosen to side with Michael, would not turn away an injured angel. Lucifer was no exception. That did not mean, however, that they would not do their part in the war effort, including removing the largest subject of pride from the rebel leader.

Raphael had removed them quickly, swiftly, while Lucifer nearly died in their arms. Raphael did not wish to think of theirself as cruel, though, and healed Lucifer’s other wounds. It would be enough, they thought, to cripple Lucifer for at least a short time.

They were right. Lucifer could not effectively give orders, their troops could not follow them, they fell into chaos, and Michael and their armies won. Lucifer was cast into Hell, and there they wanted to scream. 

They couldn’t. 

The last sound they ever made was the scream when Raphael cut their vocal cords out. From then on, there was nothing, just cruel, cruel silence. 

It drove them insane. They would spiral, again and again and again, from sanity to insanity to sanity. That was all the change that happened there. When, in 1972, Azazel called upon Lucifer, they spoke.

They spoke, and Lucifer realized that the humans could be useful, because they could speak and they could sing, and so could Lucifer, once they were inside of them. After billions and billions of years, Lucifer’s first words were: “I am here, my son.” After billions and billions of years, the first words that mattered were: “You must find me a child. A very special child.”

And that child was all they thought of for the four thousand, seventeen, and seventy-five hundredth years. Lucifer counted each one, the way they had not before. And, after those four thousand (eleven, on Earth) years had passed, Lucifer felt it. The Savior was born.

They watched as Sam grew, so slowly, taking thousands of years, and they intervened as much as they could. With Sam’s life going by so slowly, Lucifer could see when things were going wrong, and they could intervene if needed. They had to do it three times, in physical form. Once when Sam was a toddler, once when he was nine, and once when he was a teenager. 

More often, though, they could appear as a presence, to keep the child company. Countless times, Lucifer did that, at times ranging from a paralyzing dream to a fight and to a brotherly moment. They wouldn’t admit it to theirself, but those weren’t for Sam, per se. Those were for themself. 

So the centuries and millennia passed. Sam went to college, Sam met Brady, then Sam met Jess. Lucifer watched, and then everything had changed but still stayed the same. Sam hardened in the flames of his rage, and life continued on.

Then, on Thursday, May 14, 2009, everything changed, and this time there was no going back. They found a potential vessel, a girl of seven, in Cuba, but they dismissed the idea. She was too young, and she didn’t know enough English to communicate with Sam, when they found him. Besides, her family would miss her, and they had found another potential vessel.

His name was Nick, and he seemed to be around Sam’s age, though it was hard to tell how old humans were. He had no family, he spoke English well, and he was suicidal. All in all, he was perfect. Lucifer appeared to him in a dream as his wife, and there Lucifer told him that she needed him as a vessel. It wasn’t, however, in time to stop his dreams of his dead child and the woman she wore. Oh well. 

In the end, it would only benefit her.

Nick did say yes, he woke up and she dropped the illusion, and then they flowed through him, and Nick went to Heaven without even a breath to mark his passing. Lucifer was alone in his new body then, and without being aware of it, a tangled flow of words fell from his lips, rushing forward with everything he has wanted, needed, to say for the past several billion years. Among the rush was Sam, Sam, Sam, and then he goes to find his vessel. 

When he couldn’t find him, with the words still dropping from his lips, Lucifer acknowledged that it might have been for the better. It would be better to wait until he can stop the flow of words from his borrowed lips, better to wait until he could make time slow down enough to acknowledge its passing, or speed himself up for the same end result. He didn’t know which one it was.

Eventually, though, the words stopped and time slowed down again. But in their stead, the tears came, and then white-hot anger, and the giddy, heady feeling of joy. In turn, each made him feel hopeless, warm and out of control, and he felt like he was flying again. They made him feel alive, the feelings, and they scared him, because he had never felt anything like them before. And if this was only Nick, only the temporary replacement, then what would Sam be like? 

He lost himself in thought then, and wondered if Sam would help him deal with the emotions, with the feelings. Lucifer thought so, because Sam had always had a kind soul, and he had always had faith in angels and God. While Lucifer made no pretenses that he was God, he was most certainly still an angel, and most certainly willing to give Sam anything, anything at all that he desired. Sam deserved to be cherished, to be worshiped, and Lucifer would make sure that he would do what he could.

When Lucifer came back from his mind to the real world, he did not know how much time had passed. Perhaps it had been only seconds, perhaps it had been days. He did not know, because Earth time was so much different from Cage time, and so much harder to gauge. He threw himself into the task of finding Sam, and eventually, he found him in mind and soul but not in body. It would have to do for now, he reflected, and he waited for Sam in Sam’s mind.

Soon enough, Sam was there, and he saw Jessica, for she was with him for seven hundred and thirty and a half years, and she had said a great many things to him. Besides, Sam was not in a good state of mind right then, and he needed comforting. Lucifer could provide comforting. She had been good at that in the past, and she knew what to say to Sam.

Lucifer knew that on some level, Sam knew that she was not Jessica, and not a dream of her, either. But for now, they were both content to pretend, and Lucifer could whisper praise and love into his mind. Pretending was not the same as lying, after all, and everything she said was true.


End file.
